Presidential Election Heats Up
Above: It's Thanthou vs. Plooralist in a battle for the presidency.
By Edna Krabappel, Death Mask Political Correspondent
Originally published in "The Discord"
SAINT PAUL, MINNESOTA - "Super Tuesday," May 3rd, is less than a month away, yet the Luther Seminary campus is swept up in what can only be described as Election Fever. This time is of special significance for Luther's campus. Not only is it an election that will determine the next president of the
ELCA's finest seminary, but also the first presidential election ever held on Luther's campus. "Sure, we've had Student Council elections, and Bockman's ever-popular 'Sexiest Seminarian Alive' competition each fall. But this is the first time that students have actually been given a voice in the process of choosing the seminary's president," stated Patricia Lull, Dean of Students. "I pray that this newfound democracy will strengthen our campus, not tear it apart."
Yet a campus torn by politics is precisely today's reality. Students of all political leanings seemed to unite together this fall, by aggressively pushing the Presidential Search Committee to allow the student voice to be effective, switching from a standard "committee appointment" to one of a vote. But ever since the election campaign actually began, tensions between the Right and the Left have run incredibly high among students.
In December, the last official act of the Presidential Search Committee occurred when advertisements were sent out to both The Christian Century and Christianity Today in search of candidates. But even this proved to be a controversial move. A leader from the College Republicans dismissed Century as a "left-wing commie rag," while a masked member of the underground Democratic cell gave this quote via streaming video on thedeathmask.com: "Christianity Today? Christianity Today? How 'bout some Christianity RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW?"
Following the primaries held in early February, the two parties have narrowed down their choices. Bette R. Thanthou, former chair of Holiness at Solid Rock Seminary, will be running for the presidency on the Republican ticket. The Democrats have chosen Christian Plooralist, currently the incense coordinator at Acceptance Lutheranish Un-Church in Berkeley, California, as their nominee. A fierce campaign is currently being waged between the two candidates on several key issues. The top issues being debated are Education, Foreign (Ecumenical) Relations, and Health Care.
Plooralist wants to ensure the future of Luther's status as THE academic seminary of the ELCA. He proposes to do this by eliminating the Leadership division with "their feel-good courses on pastoral care and accompaniment," limiting Bible requirements to one course per Testament, and adding a new Division of Purely Rational Thought. His most popular idea is the banishment of the ever-despised BPE, dismissing it as "thoroughly useless." Conversely, Thanthou emphasizes a less academic, "more spiritual" approach. She accuses Plooralist of wanting to "ban the Bible and eliminate prayer from the classroom," and is perplexed by the "woeful lack of Ten Commandments" displayed throughout the campus. She is also vehemently opposed to the ELCA's Sexuality Study, pushing for "more abstinence and fewer condoms" in the academic environment.
Concerning Foreign (or "Ecumenical") relations, the candidates' views could not be more diverse. Plooralist touts the ecumenical diversity on this campus as being its greatest strength. He wants to push Luther further in this direction, making the seminary "not just interdenominational, but inter-religious," starting with a Kabbalah meditation center where the Chapel of the Cross is currently located. "C'mon, do we really need TWO Christian Chapels?" Plooralist inquired.
Thanthou, on the other hand, wants to banish all "non-confessional" Lutheran students from campus, citing that "diversity is the root of imaginative thought." The only thing the candidates can seem to agree on at all is the issue of Health Care. Both candidates concur that the current student health insurance "sucks big-time." However, both plans to revise the system are fuzzy at the time of this writing.
Who will be the victor in this election, and the next president of Luther Seminary? The outcome is completely unclear. Due to her strength among voters concerned with "family values," Thanthou has a firm lead among the residents of Stub, Sandgren, and Burntvedt, also known as "Red Housing."
Plooralist has a leg up in the "Blue Housing" residences of Bockman, Fulham, LDR, Foreign Student Housing, and House 18. Although it would seem Plooralist has the advantage, bear in mind that all of the blue residencies, save Bockman, have very few electoral votes. And it has been said that House 18 has traditionally been seen as a blue residence only by the fact that it is, in truth, blue. The election may very well be decided by "swing voters" consisting of commuter, online, and distance students. But these students are widely known to be a disgruntled and detached bunch - there is no predicting where their vote will go. A nervous campus awaits the outcome.