Gratitude and Confidence: A Tiede Retrospective
Above: The phrase "Gratitude and Confidence" refers to the two distinct phases of Tiede's presidency. As a young professor and president, Tiede was considered by many to be a grateful and humble man. Nowadays, he has grown so confident in his own leadership ability that he rarely shows up for Board meetings or chapel.
January 23, 1940[1]
- Born in St. Paul, Minnesota in a log cabinn near Como Avenue. This building is
sometimes referred to as “Old Muskego Church.” The Muskego Church/Tiede
Birthplace is open to the public, and a popular spot for weddings and for
pregnant women seeking an “alternative birthing experience.”
July 18, 1947 - Tiede chops down a cherry tree in his grandfather’s yard. Although his whole family knew he did it, he denied it; and to this day will not admit he chopped that stinking tree down.
June 5, 1950 – Whiz kid Tiede graduates from high school and begins his studies as a med student at Johns Hopkins University, finishing the program in three years’ time. Along with his zany buddy Vinny, and his girlfriend Wanda, he begins an adventure of self-discovery, manhood, and love. This is why you will often hear Tiede called “Doogie” by those who know him best.
April 21, 1960 – A frightened Tiede is caught in a thunderstorm in the middle of a golf course. Huddled under a tree with his lucky 9-iron on his lap, Tiede “bargains” with God and vows a life of service if only his life should be spared.
September 3, 1960 - After four months of hospitalizationn following complications due to being hit by lightning, Tiede enters seminary.
May, 1966 – Graduates from Luther Northwestern Theological Seminary
May, 1971 – Receives Ph.D from Harvard
1971-1987 – Some boring stuff happens
Summer, 1987 – Tiede is elected president of Luther Northwestern Theological Seminary, just before the ELCA is officially formed.
March 29, 1990 – INVASION!! In a controversial move, Tiede enlists all male seminarians ages 21-35 in the LNTS Army, and attempts to invade and conquer tiny Wartburg Seminary in Iowa after peace talks between the two schools turn ugly. “Wartburg, who needs ‘em?” quoted Tiede. Referring to Wartburg as “LNTS South Campus,” the smaller seminary was occupied for an entire summer before INViTE organized a "teach-in" and pressure grew for Tiede to withdraw. Some have argued that the invasion was inappropriate and without precedent, but Tiede responds that “These are the same people who still believe that the ‘merger’ between Luther and Northwestern in 1976 was for ‘Functional Unification.’ Functional Unification my hind end!! T'was a great and bloody war.”
October 30, 1991 – still charged up from his first invasion attempt, a hot-headed Tiede tries to convince the Seminary to invade Grenada. This idea fails miserably.
September 9, 1994 – ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT!! After LNTS changes its name to Luther Seminary, a disgruntled alum pulls a gun on Tiede after Wednesday Chapel. Professor Arland Hultgren lunges to protect Tiede as the gun fires, leaving Hultgren with a bullet wound in his right arm. Ever since then, if Hultgren disagrees with Tiede in a faculty meeting, he can be heard quietly muttering, “And I took a bullet for that guy.”
November 12, 1997 – SEX SCANDAL!! An LCMS sect attempts to discredit Tiede by publishing “compromising photos” of the president with a cute, petite, twenty-something brunette about town. Photos depicted the two cuddling by Lake Harriet and sharing a romantic dinner at Culvers’. After the photos appeared in the popular tabloid “Metro Lutheran,” it was revealed that the woman in question was actually just his stunningly gorgeous and eternally young-looking wife, Muffy.
December 7, 1999 – IMPEACHMENT?!? Citing “failed liberal policies,” the College Republicans approach the Board secretly in an attempt to overthrow Tiede. The Board responds by kicking all Republicans out of the Seminary and denying them future admission. A “red scare” of sorts breaks out as accusations of Republicanism run rampant within the community. The ban was overturned in 2001, but 85% of today’s faculty and students are secretly hoping for its return.
November 9, 2002 – DEATH MASK!! The Death Mask begins its first of many investigative issues. Tiede immediately begins planning retirement.
[1] More or less.